How To Pace The Courtship Correctly

A while ago, in the community section of my YouTube channel, I posted a meme on how to pace the courtship that said, “if you have the option to go faster or slower with a woman, always go slower”. In return, I got a bunch of you saying that’s a bunch of BS, because when you took things slower you got friend-zoned, or you she told you that you were too nice.

The problem a lot of men have when they first begin dating a girl is that the pace of the courtship is moving too quickly, to the point where she gives you the “let’s just be friends” speech, or flat-out tells you that things are moving too quickly, which is not a good sign.

Often when men hear a woman say that things need to slow down, their default response is to try harder, which can cause her to pull away even worse & turns her off even further. Men will contact me & tell me how they followed my advice about take the courtship at her pace, & SHE was the one who wanted things to move faster, but still got friend zoned.

pace the courtship

Getting Friend-Zoned

Years ago, after a couple of dates with a girl, she told me exactly that. She said that she felt things were moving too fast & she wanted to slow things down. She followed that with saying that she’s not ready for a relationship. I was really confused, because I never mentioned anything about a relationship & I wasn’t pushing for sex. She told me that she wasn’t ready to hop into the sack yet & I respected that. In fact, I stopped making moves on her after that. I thought that when she was ready she would tell me or make a move. I completely backed off from making moves on her until she was ready. Eventually, I went to one of my female friends, trying to get insight from the female mind. She told me that she thought the girl I was dating was just scared & that she probably liked me TOO much. She even threw in that perhaps the girl I was dating wasn’t sure how I felt about her & maybe she just needed some reassurance from me. Therefore, she wanted to slow things down until she was sure.

That seemed completely logical & believable to me, & since I really liked her, I thought I would show her just how much liked her. Basically, I laid the romance on even thicker; calling & texting her more, telling her how I felt about her, even beginning to introduce her to close friends & family WAY too early. And guess what? She friend-zoned me. Does any of that sound familiar?

This wasn’t the first time I had been through something similar to that. It always left me confused & frustrated. I finally came to the conclusion that I just picked crazy women & the right one would find me. I didn’t figure out till later in life all the things I was doing wrong, & all those mistakes I was making made a huge difference.

All the girls I dated in the past really liked me & were attracted to me, but I was blowing it & I had no idea. Like I said, I just thought they were crazy. And of course I’d get advice from my female friends & they would confirm; “those girls are just crazy, Erik”. So, naturally I continued to make the same mistakes in how I would typically pace the courtship.

Focus On Having Fun

If you’re in the beginning stages of dating or courting a girl, you mostly want to focus on just having fun with her. The more fun she has with you, the more she will begin to associate you with fun. Girls love to have fun! And they’re just dreaming of some good looking, masculine man to come into their life & show them what fun is all about.

For the most part, women lead a fairly humdrum life. Of course they’ll have fun occasionally with their girlfriends, but even that gets a little boring after a while. They just have the same kind of fun over & over. They may go out dancing together, sushi, or wine, but for the most part it’s really nothing new for them.

What they’re looking for is a guy that’s interesting, different from all the rest, & one who knows how to show her a good time. Of course they’re looking for much more than that, but I’m sticking to the basics of this particular topic.

pacing the courtship correctly

Pace The Courtship Correctly

So, you’ve just met a girl, or you’ve just begun dating her. If you want to pace the courtship correctly, ideally, you want to reach out to her & arrange a date roughly once a week. In between those dates, you want to keep your phone contact at a minimum. The reason for this is so you can remain rather mysterious until your in-person meeting, & to build her anticipation & excitement in between those dates. This way, when date night arrives, she’s going to be bouncing off the walls with excitement about seeing you.

When you text or talk all the time in between dates, her excitement will not be as high. She’s already learned so much about you in those exchanges. Women like to slowly unravel who you are; this is fun for them. When you gently tap the breaks, she’s going to want to see you more to learn more about you.

Now, the more dates you go on, & in between those dates, she’s going to be thinking about you & wondering about you. Again, if you’re always texting or talking over the phone, you’re leaving her with nothing to wonder about; you’re taking away the mystery for her. Essentially, you’re taking away some of the fun.

Her Attraction Begins To Grow

In that meme, I said that if you have the option to go faster or slower with a woman, you want to take things slower. What I mean here is, that you want to pace the courtship no faster than her pace. So, continue arranging dates, but if she’s showing a lack of interest or resistance, then you back off a bit.

On the other hand, if she’s feeling a high level of attraction for you, you’re going on dates once a week & her attraction is beginning to grow, she’s most likely going to start initiating contact with you. And the more her attraction is growing, the more she’s going to be reaching out, not waiting for you to reach out to her.

She’s doing this because her attraction is growing & she just can’t wait a full week to see you. So, once she begins doing this, you want to take that as a sign of her wanting to see you, & again arrange a date. Now you’re starting to see each other more during the week, rather than just once a week. You’re leading at her pace, rather than chasing her & blowing up her phone, always trying to see her & waiting for her decision or availability. See how that works? Now she’s actually chasing you a little.

Don’t Get Too Excited

The reason I suggest that you take things slower is, sometimes when a girl is feeling a high level of attraction, she just wants to see you all the time. And if you like her, you’re going to want to see her all the time too. After all, you’re going at her pace right? Well, the danger here is that if you go too fast, whether or not it’s at her pace, she WILL burn out & begin to lose attraction. Now she’s seeing you too much. Since you’re the leader, girls expect you to be the one to know that things are moving too fast, & expect you to slow things down.

This is when you have to be the strong one & not always be available to her. Despite the fact that you’re crazy about the girl & you’re having mind blowing sex regularly, you have to be the strong one. Because, if the courtship is moving too fast, this is when she will begin saying things like, “I’m not ready for a relationship”, or maybe even do a hard pull-away. Of course this confuses the shit of men. Remember my story at the beginning of this video where I ran into a similar situation? The girl said she wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I never mentioned a relationship. The thing was, it began to start feeling like a relationship for her, & she wasn’t ready for that.

Instead of me backing off a bit & let her start reaching out to me again when she was feeling it, I took that as a sign that I need to try harder & prove just how much I liked her. So, I started being extra careful with what I said or did. I was contacting her all the time & respecting that she wasn’t ready for sex. I was no longer a mystery by contacting her all the time. It was very clear how I felt about her. Plus, I stopped making moves on her, because she said she wasn’t ready for sex. She ended up friend-zoning me!

Escalate Sexually

Now, the other part that I got wrong with this girl, & I’m sure this is what happened to some of men who were labeled ‘nice guys’ for taking things too slow, was that I was no longer building the sexual tension & making moves on her.

Of course I would NEVER instruct men to force yourself onto a woman. You must respect her boundaries; however, you also want to GENTLY push those boundaries. You don’t want to wait until you get a verbal green light from her. I’ve never heard of a woman sitting a man down & explaining to him how she’s ready for sex now. No, it’s up to you to create the moment & the tension where she just can’t resist you. This is the one area where you do NOT want to take your time, but you don’t want to rush it either.

Don’t take too long to make a move. It’s going to result in her feeling that either you’re not interested, you’re too nice, or you’re gay. Women MUST see you as a sexual option before any romance will happen. Of course if religion or your culture prevents you from having premarital sex, that’s not going to be your immediate goal. However, even in those cases women must still view you as a sexual option first. If a woman doesn’t have a sexual attraction to you, you’re really just friends.

So, you want to always be escalating the sexual tension & the physical intimacy. You want to go from non-sexual touching (also known as ‘kino’) to a kiss to making out, to feeling each other up, to removing her clothes, & finally entering her. I believe I talked about this in my video, “Touching women to boost attraction”. If you’re uncertain how to touch women to increase sexual tension, I recommend that you check out that video.

If she stops you, or she’s resisting at any point during your physical escalation, then you just back off. Just talk to her, joke, & flirt with her a bit. Then you just try again. Sometimes “no” just means, “not yet”. This just means that she’s not completely comfortable or ready yet. This is the one area where you have to gently push, but I can’t stress the word “gently” enough. And don’t worry about if you don’t bring her into the bedroom that night. As long as you made some progress, even if it’s just a kiss, you’re on the right path.

Make A Move Quickly

Just as a little guide for you; you want to have kissed her by the end of the 2nd date, or risk being labeled as “too nice”. And in most cases, you should be able to sleep with her by the fourth date. Statistically, women sleep with a man between the 2nd & 4th date, on average. If it takes longer than that, & she’s not being restricted by religion or culture, then it most likely means one of two things. Either, she’s not all that attracted to you, or you’re the type of man that she’s going to make wait. If it’s the latter, then that just means you have a weak frame. In other words, she’s in charge & she knows it.

So, you want to take your dating rather slow; be patient, lead at her pace, & watch her attraction shoot up. Escalating the physical intimacy—the touching, the kissing, the sex—should be taken at a rather quicker pace. Remember, in order for romance to happen, she must see you as a sexual man who desires her.

You also want to take into account that she’s most likely dating other men, even if you think she isn’t. This often causes men to pace the courtship much quicker in order to lock her down before another guy does. That would be a mistake. You want to stand out from those other guys. They’re most likely also trying to lock her down. So, be a little mysterious, where she’s not quite sure where she stands with you. “Why isn’t this guy chasing me like the rest?” Now she’s intrigued.

However, you guys that want to take the sex or physical intimacy slow, thinking that you’re being respectful; well, you’re being TOO respectful. That so-called “jerk” who’s not afraid to make moves will be the one sleeping with her. She’s not going to be less interested in you. The other guy she’s seeing is now the number one sexual option.

Finding The Balance

But, don’t worry. This all can take some practice to get it down right & find the balance. At least you now know what you’re aiming for, rather than blindly shooting in the dark, hoping to hit something. Follow what I suggest here. Tweak it a bit to where it works best for you, & watch just how well it works for you.

I Can Help You

Are you having issues pacing the courtship? Perhaps you are having some other issues with your dating and/or relationships? I can help you. Please visit my coaching page and book private, one-on-one coaching with me. We will get to the bottom of this and get things turned around for you.

Be sure to also check out my recommended reading for further learning about game, attraction, women, dating/relationships.

If you would like to watch my video on this topic, please click here.

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