Probably one of the most confusing things for men in romantic relationships is when a wife or girlfriend pulls away emotionally. One day she’s all over you; she can’t keep her hands off of you, she’s blowing up your phone, she’s validating you, and the next day she’s completely cold. Now she’s taking forever to respond to your text messages or to return your phone calls. And when she does respond, she’s very short and it’s seemingly impossible to get her out on a date.
Most guys go into panic mode when their girl pulls away, thinking that she either lost feelings overnight or there’s suddenly another dude in the picture. Anytime I talk about a woman pulling away in one of my videos I get a flood of comments saying that this means she’s screwing someone else. While there is a possibility that’s happening, it’s unlikely in most cases.
It’s important for you to understand that ALL women do this, and it’s going to happen occasionally throughout the entire relationship. There’s no getting around it. What’s really happening here is, at least in most cases, she’s becoming a bit too overly familiar with you. She’s getting the sense that she has you. If you’re newly dating, she’s most likely feeling that this is starting feel a lot like a serious relationship that she’s not ready for yet. What this ultimately all boils down to is, she’s testing you.
I also get flooded with negative comments anytime I mention that women test men. I hear things like, “I’m not putting up with some broad testing me. I’ll walk away”. Again, this is something ALL women do. It’s almost always subconscious. It’s part of their instinct. They can control it just as well as us men can control ourselves from looking at a beautiful naked woman standing in front us. You know you can’t control yourself, and neither can women. In fact, the only way to get around women testing you is to never interact with a woman again. Because it’s not just your wife or girlfriend testing you, but platonic female friends and family members as well. They want to see what you’re made of.
Mistakes Men Make When She Pulls Away
Now, a woman pulls away it’s just one of many tests, but it’s probably the most obvious one we’ve all experienced. It’s probably the one that has the biggest effect on us, as well. When a woman does this, let’s face it, this is when our true nature comes out. And that is exactly why women test, to see how you’re going to react when she’s not validating you. She wants to see just how confident you really are.
Unfortunately most men fail this test, because as I just said, most men go into panic mode. This makes the situation even worse. Ultimately, it’s really your own actions both before she pulled away that causes this, and the outcome will be determined by how well you respond to her pulling away. And notice how I said ‘respond’, as opposed to, ‘react’. You want to respond, never react. Being reactionary is conveying an emotional weakness, which is a turn-off for women.
You Try Harder
Probably the most common reaction when a woman pulls away is, men begin to try harder. They begin chasing her; chasing her validation. They begin texting or calling her more, perhaps they show up where they know the she hangs out, or stalking her social media.
Before this, she was most likely chasing YOUR validation and you allowed yourself to get lost in all the good sex and affectionate romance. By doing this, you ended up over-validating her; essentially making it crystal clear where she stands with you. This ruins any mystery and challenge for her and in turn, lowered her attraction.
She no longer needs to chase you or your validation, because you’ve reassured her to the point where she now knows that she has you. She’s completely confident with it. There’s no need to chase someone when you already have them. But, to be sure that she has you, she pulls away. Now she wants to know if you’re really as confident as you’ve lead her to believe. Are you really that cool, mysterious guy? Or are you a weak and needy guy that has a low self worth without her validation? See how that works?
You Supplicate Her
Another thing a lot of men do at this point, they may send her flowers or buy her some sort of gift. Now, it’s okay to do this sort of thing when you’re in a marriage or relationship, but only when her attraction levels for you are on the high end. When her attraction is high she’s telling you that she loves you, she’s making herself available to you, she’s affectionate and things of that nature. But, you NEVER want to do this when she has pulled away, because just like chasing her. It’s supplication and it communicates your fear of losing her. Not to mention that it’s also putting pressure on her; pressure for her love, sex and attention, or maybe even pressuring her for a relationship.
You cannot pressure, logically convince or force a woman into love, attention, desire or attraction. She’s either feeling it or she’s not. And she definitely won’t be feeling any of those things when chasing or supplicating her, or buying her gifts out of fear of losing her. That all conveys emotional weakness, which is a turn-off.
You Project Your Love
Another mistake men make when their girl pulls away is by telling her how much they love her or how they feel about her. What’s going through most men’s heads when they do this is, they’re thinking that if she just knew how they felt about her it will get her back to that place of showering him with affection.
This sort of thing only works in the movies. Always remember that how you feel about a woman has absolutely no effect on how she feels about you; at least deep down. Again, she’s either into you or she’s not. You telling her how much you love her will not change that. In fact, it’s going to begin making her feel smothered. Now, if she were in that place where she’s telling you how much she loves you, then of course it’s okay to share how you feel, but never when she’s pulling away from you.
You Begin Apologizing
Sometimes when a girl pulls away, the man thinks he did something wrong. Perhaps he forgot to fulfill his nightly duty of wishing her sweet dreams the night before. Perhaps he didn’t cancel plans with his buddies when she wanted to see him. So, he begins apologizing or explaining himself. He believes he’s going to use logic in order to convince her to turn her emotions around.
This does not work, and not just in this scenario. Remember, women are emotional creatures and rarely does logic and reason have any place in emotion. Plus, apologizing for something when you didn’t really do anything wrong only makes you seem weak.
Now, obviously if you were in the wrong and hurt her in some way, then yes, apologize. But, the scenarios I mentioned do not call for an apology. By apologizing you’re really just failing her test and telling her that you’re fearful and insecure.
You Become Passive-Aggressive
Sometimes men will become passive-aggressive when his girl pulls away, which is not helpful. Now, I’ve said in the past that you want to mirror her effort level in these sort of situations, which is true; but that doesn’t mean to punish her for pulling away. Not only does passive-aggressive behavior communicate emotional weakness, which is again failing her test, but it’s bringing you into a negative mindset. Punishing her with ‘tit-for-tat’ behavior is basically playing games. I realize that you feel she’s playing games by pulling away, but in most cases this is not true. Playing games will only make things worse, and most likely cause her to start playing games with you. I know you don’t want that.
You Breakup With Her
And finally, there are some men that will just breakup with their girl and walk away. While that WILL most likely get her chasing you again, at least temporarily, this is also emotional weakness. This is basically having the attitude of, “I’m taking my dollies and going home”.
Now, of course if she’s being consistently disrespectful, then yes, walk away from the relationship. But, in this case, as much as you may feel disrespected, she’s not being rude, per se; she’s not attacking your character. She’s simply following her emotions, which is what women do; they typically act based on how they’re feeling emotionally in that moment. But, since a woman’s emotions are petty much always in flux, just give her a little time and things will probably change.
What Should You Do When She Pulls Away?
Like I mentioned, all women pull away from time to time. She’s following her emotions in that moment. So, what do you do? Let her go.
I don’t mean let her go, like it’s the end of the relationship. I mean, let her have the space she wants. Many times when women are feeling smothered, or like they’re losing feelings for you, she just wants to see if she misses you. So, with a little time and space away from each other, she can determine just how much you mean to her by how much she misses you. As dating guru David DeAngelo once said, “Give her the gift of missing you”. Once she begins to miss you, her attraction for you will again begin to rise.
I Can Help You
Do you need some help with your wife or girlfriend who has pulled away? Perhaps you are having some other issues with your dating and/or relationships? I can help you. Please visit my coaching page and book private, one-on-one coaching with me. We will get to the bottom of this and get things turned around for you.
Be sure to also check out my recommended reading for further learning about game, women, dating and relationships.
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