I was taught an interesting lesson this past week and I wanted to share it with you so you can avoid this in your relationships.
Always Focus on the Present Moment
The woman in my life and I have been dating for the past six months. The relationship is beautiful, intense and relatively effortless. It’s pretty much what everyone hopes for in a relationship; common goals and interests, high physical attraction, passionate chemistry and a deep connection. However there is one complex issue that prevents us from moving too much further forward. The issue itself is not relevant, so I will spare you the nitty-gritty details.
We have been stressed about this for both the same and different reasons, as the answer is not a simple, black and white one that involves a major life change for both of us. When one of us begins to feel the weight of the issue we discuss it hoping that we can chip away at the stone. My nature is to research things and seek out answers. Even if I can’t find any clear cut answers at that time, somehow learning just a little helps me relax, feeling that I’m getting closer to the answer little by little. While every time I’ve done this regarding this issue I do learn a lot from professional advice, it really is just making things worse in my head. It causes anxiety and my mind to begin racing and overthinking; fearing the future. I usually keep this information and fear to myself, however she’s very inquisitive and has a way of pulling things out of me.
The beginning of last week we began discussing the issue and I shared some of the things I learned. As the discussion continued the fear of the future began to grow for me to the point where I told her that I need some space for a few days. Of course she was upset about that, but she doesn’t try to control me and she just let me be. During the next few days I went back into research mode. Those days also involved a lot of thinking, contemplating and soul searching. And almost out of nowhere the answer dropped into my lap. It wasn’t the answer to the issue at hand, but it was the answer to the fear I was feeling. My focus went from the present moment to the future.
Focusing on the future forces you to begin overthinking and creating circumstances in your head that may not even be real. Don’t get me wrong, our issue is very real and presents a real problem, however I was thinking about situations that haven’t even came to light yet, if they even would come to light. Humans are horrible at predicting the future and here I am thinking I have it all figured out. So I thought why bother continuing this relationship because I had it all figured it out and nothing will ever change…we’re doomed! Do you see how ridiculous this sounds? In reality, neither one of us know what will happen and by me focusing on the future I was creating more problems and adding unneeded negative tension; or making a mountain out of a molehill, if you will.
As I mentioned above, things had been effortless between us and it’s because we both had been focused on the present up until that point, enjoying each others company and the little time we have together. Thinking too much into the future I began fabricating expectations, and when expectations are introduced into any relationship hurt and disappointment soon follow. I believe this is why so many relationships fail. The funny things is, I KNEW better; yet here I was falling into the trap that so many of us get caught up in. Since then I have wrangled those expectations in and turned my focus back to the present moment and I feel so much better. I have contacted her, admitted my mistake and we have begun to work things out.
The truth is, neither one of us know what the future holds nor can we predict it. All we can do is keep our eyes and minds on what is happening right now and hope for the best, and you should too.
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